Friday, March 13, 2009

hah @ old dreams

i just found this while cleaning out an email acct. its an email i sent myself when i suddenly remember the previous night's dream. its strange... i'll give ya that. but i think it also shows i had an underlying crush on someone at the time. LOL

I dreamt I was in the 1950's. or some sort of odd mixture of the 50's and present. I sharing a room with my mom who was sleeping in an old victorian house. we lived in a smaller town. i had friends who dressed in gingham shirts tied at the waist and rolled up jeans to the calves and and little scooter vans shoes. we wore our hair in ponytails tied back with ribbons. it was so odd how i could see this yet... i was in this room. my mom slept and suddenly this group of greasers came pounding in. they laughed and acted like a gang of guys coming back from a party or car show. a rumble as such. it was strange. i recognized some... others were nameless faces that haunted my dream. as if i should know them but i don't. it was very unnerving. I recognized Jake and Joshua. the others... drew a blank. It was strange. in real life, Joshua is the calm one. Jake is the real rebel. but in the dream... Jake was the sane one and Joshua was the brooding rebel who watched me with almost angry eyes. we argued. Jake got into my face telling me that i had no right to demand anything as i've ignored the love in my face.

i demanded they leave the room and let my mother sleep.

i stopped... shocked. I told him that if i'd known he had feelings for me... i'd have done something about it.

he smirked at me and said "who said it was me?" everyone stops.. dead silence falls over the room and they all look over to Joshua. he's covered in tattoos and looks angry as he stops and glares at me. I say nothing in utter shock. my heart pounds. i've always loved him.

suddenly the scene changes. i'm running down a dirt road with a group of girls who are my friends. friends being girls who i don't really recognize but are apparently my friends in this dream. We are running for our lives. running from something greusome hunting us down the street of this beat up town.

we turn a corner and duck into a barn.. and there they are. the greasers. they silence us and take us through a maze of corrals and dens. Joshua grabs me, throws me up agains the wooden planks fo the wall. he kisses me hard enough that i squeal. i wake up.

Monday, March 9, 2009

i'm not dead. but i am missing some parts...

soooo... its been a bit. thats mainly because this baby's become my gripe-o-matic blog. i come here to bitch and complain and really say what i cannot as the people who read the other blog know too much as it is.

so i had my tonsils removed 2/27/09 by a great doctor who cracks jokes and seems like that token asian guy who was born here and doesn't know whether to ge asian or white. its kinda odd. but cute at the same time.

regardless the dude knows what he's doin.

he warns me. "Jane, you're going to be in extreme pain like there's no tomorrow and you need to understand that you can't go through this alone."

I laugh.

i'm gettin my tonsils removed! its not childbirth. jeez.

so i say...

my lovely sisters nip at each other's heals as they try to figure out how this is going to go down.

mind you surgery is no joke. NO SURGERY IS EVER A JOKE. you never know what can happen with anesthesia. its dangerous and there is no such thing as easy surgery. my mummy has worked for kaiser hospital since i was like 4 years old so imagine all those summers roaming the halls between the morgue and the cafeteria (seriously that close) that i know what happens in surgery. i've seen enough of them myself.

and i've seen when things go wrong. so i'm realistic. which isn't good when you need to be almost retardedly optomistic in this situation.

they pushed me into getting this surgery so they wont have to take me to urgent care anymore... and then my sister realizes that she's not asked her hubby to take the day off. her grandmother is sick and possibly dying in cali so she's decided that same weekend she's goin to cali to see her. i understand. death is horrible.

but this was planned. and i'm scared shitless goin in.

and they were gonna drop me off. and then pick me up later. i wanted to kill them. i called my older sister and told her how i felt, scared to death about what if something happens during surgery and no one is there?

she doesn't know what to say.

i ask her what if she were in my shoes?

she tells me well of course her husband will be by her side.

i tell her then this is one of those moments where i wish i didn't leave my evil ex.

she's silent. she doesn't know what to say. i tell her that its unfair. i get to go in knowing no one will be there.

she apologized.
i hung up and cried.

my younger sister takes me to the hospital and sits with me.

i get called up for check in and the nurse says i'm very lucky to have my sister to be there.

"well heheheh" she chuckles to make it seem like no biggie. "i'm actually goin to be leaving. can i leave you my number?"

the nurse looks at her in horror.

i hang my head in shame.

my sister looks like an ass to the staff. the nurses are talking about her leaving me alone for surgery and they are shaking their heads. she's getting pissed. i just smile at her and thank her for the ride. i hope she drowns in her guilt.

i give them my mother's number and my older sister's number. so they have everyone they can possibly contact and they take me away.

the strangest thing is they wheel me into the OR and literally ask me to scoot myself onto the OR table. yeah. tell me thats not creepy. the anesthesiologist is a fat middle aged white guy who kinda looks like a fatter version of phillip seymour hoffman with a happy smile who sticks a mask to my face and starts talking to me. i can't for the life of me what he asked. he could have asked me what color underwear i had on or when was the last time i got poked by a man and i wouldn't remember. which scares me.

i slowly wake up. i don't open my eyes or move. but i hear the nurses.

"i've called the younger sister twice. left messages. no answer."
"well i called mom and mom just passed blythe. she's worried sick."
"i'll call the older sister."

i fall back to sleep. i wake up moments later

"i spoke to younger sister. she says she'll be there when she'll be here. i feel so sorry for her. i mean... i would hate to have family like that." i open my eyes. the nurses suddenly start talking to me.

"hi honey, how are you feeling? need some ice chips? no water just yet hon. i know your thursty. your moms just outside of blythe. your sister... well she'll be here soon."

i eat ice chips and immediately pass out. next thing i know, i wake up and younger sister is sitting by the end of my bed. Dr is briefing her. she's only half way paying attention. i can tell.

i pray to god he has everything written down.

the next week is a blur of percocet my mother taking good care of me and pain. sudden hateful pain.

i hate it.

but there ya have it.

i'm tired. just thinking about what i went through makes me tired.

i can't wait to move.

cali here i come 4/1/09 ... yeah baby.