Monday, December 29, 2008
i didnt go to the movies like i wanted... i didnt do any shopping i didnt do crap.
i sat hopped up on meds trying to avoid pain.
but i did it in my new fuzzy mint green penguin printed pajamas lol
now its back to work and that sucks more than anything.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
i have a three year plan starting in one week.
1. walk every day.
2. quit fast food.
3. use the budget spreadsheet.
4. move home and fix credit.
5. start school.
6. get a better job.
7. find an agent.
8. find a publisher.
9. publish Burning Moon.
10. publish Palm Trees & Pixie Dust.
11. Finish The Morning After.
12. Finish Alice Frankenstein.
13. Work towards Degree in English Lit.
14. Rock your socks.
15. Lose so much weight its shockingly sexy.
16. revamp #15 to say SEXIER than current sexiness.
17. Become a man eater.
the list goes on.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
but the song in this damned commercial has me hooked. not to the shoes.. but to the amazing beats!
i want ..
who sings this song??
so i started talking to this guy on mingle2 with just such a variation of that name. he seemed nice. he has no car and lives in the ghetto of south phx. he just moved there with some friends. he's 30.
can you see the warning signs?
anyway he seems extremely cocky and the more i talk to him the more i want to educate him on how much of an ass he is and how much more about life i know. even though i probably don't know more than him in any way and he probably isn't an ass in real life, just has waaay too much ego here on the internet. he has a tattoo.. its very .. earthy.
he knows alot about ancient history and egypt in particular.
he also knows quite a bit about Crowley. don't know who alistair crowley is? look his ass up. anyway so i decided to tell this guy exactly what i think of the beliefs of crowley.
and as i sent the message away... off to his big inbox on in the sky (aka the net) i realized like the ignorant nitwit that i am... i've confused crowley with leVey. LOL!! oops.
yeah.. thats what i get for bein high handed huh..
so i sent him and 'oops' email and moved on with my night.
thanksgiving was all about family that i'm not always a part of. i watched as my sisters mom and uncles bickered like idiots. i enjoyed my gay uncle and his boyfriend and loved the food. too bad i didnt get a to go plate. lol idiot.
i've been in kind of a daze. my frenemy at work showed up sick as a dog.. again today as she has been for days now... infecting people and i'm sick of it. today i told her to get better. then sotto voce said "or stay home" lol. i'm such a bitch.
i'm half heartedly typing this out as my secret santa is on my mind, my nieces birthday, my christmas party, my best friend who almost bailed on me, and Jose the hot guy in yuma's sister who didn't contact me even though she was supposed to ... for purses.
so yeah. i'm kinda swamped.
and i'm hungry. but i've already eaten dinner. :(
i'm goin to bed.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Alice walked down the back stairs and into the small storage room of the shop. “Report.” She said watching her young clerk practically jump out of his skin.
“Do you have to be as quiet as the dead when you move?”
“I like keeping you on your toes. At least you’ve stopped leaking all over my floor.” She allowed the wry grin spread across her face, ignoring the tug of her skin from the scar at her hairline.
“Shut up. You’re never going to let that go, are you?” He leaned against the counter and blushed with embarrassment.
“Of course not. It’s the only way you’ll learn to never show up to work, drunk, again. But I have more pressing things to speak to you about.” Alice said as she spread out across a lovely baby blue settee.
“Uh oh. I’ve been here over a year and a half. You can’t fire me now. I’m the only one who knows your inventory.”
She smiled genuinely. “Donnie, you’ve been a good kid staying here and working for me. I remember the day I caught you trying to steal from me. Instead of calling the cops, I took you in, fed you, cleaned you up and offered you this job. I did it because I know what it feels like to be out on the streets. But when I was there, it was a much uglier time.”
“Yeah, yeah. I”ve heard your speech before.”
“So that’s why I’m going to give you the store. Well, most of it that is. What do you think about being my partner? You run the store, you live in my flat upstairs, and be free. Be your own man.” She kew she would be crying if her tear ducts were still connected to the emotion receptors in her brain. But they weren’t. She sureenly watching her assistant’s face as he realized the offer that had been placed before him.
“Don’t screw with me, Alice.”
“I’m not. Its all you. You get half the profits, not just your pittance of a paycheck. You live in my home. You run my business. You report back to me with everything that happens and we make decisions together. And I get to run.”
“So you noticed?” Donnie stopped and turned away, facing the display window where the view showed only half of the strange man in black.
“What do you know about it!?” She Flew up from the settee fast as any wild animal.
Suddenly Donnie’s face was plastered to the wall as she pressed her switchblade into the side of his throat. He gurgled and whimpered as she twisted his arm in an unnatural direction. “What. Exactly. Do. You. Know?” He shivered as she whispered into his ear.
“Nothing. Nothing at all. I swear.” He choked the words out as a tear trickled down his cheek.
She backed up slowly, letting him go.
“Jesus.” He coughed and cleared his throat. “I knew something was different about you. I knew you had secrets but seriously Alice!”
“Tell me what you think you don’t know.” Alice leaned back against the counter, fingering the sharp edge of her blade.
“I already told you! Nothing! I just noticed that I’ve seen him hanging around South Street for days now and no one ever hangs around that long. Plus he’s totally creepy.”
She stood and stared at his posture, face and finally into his eyes. “Yeah, I guess I can trust you.” She said. He fidgeted, but never showed any signs of being a liar. He was just a kid with an ugly past, caught in a world she knew would come back to haunt her one day.
“You going to tell me, then?”
“Sure. Tonight after you close up shop, come upstairs. I’ll make dinner. I guess its time I trust someone.” She started to walk upstairs but turned back. “Sorry about the scratch. Watch him out of the corner of your eye. Don’t make any eye contact with him and if he comes in, hit the silent alarm. I’ll come running for ya.” Her face went cold and he shivered as she stared at him. “And Donnie? If you ever double cross me, I’ll kill you. You’ll just disappear. Got it?” Donnie gulped in air as his heart pounded and he nodded his head in between shakes. Alice only hoped he’d sit down before he passed out.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Alice lovingly ran her fingers over the slick lightened skin on her arm. It was her favorite scar. The one that had given her the most trouble. It was the casr that had infected her body with the black plague and she’d never forgotten the necessity to replace the arm. It was the last time a body part needed replacing. She slid her long fingers in between the mini blinds hanging over her kitchen window. And flicked them open just a crack.
He leaned against the lamp post, pretending to not watch her little flat above the shop she owned. He’d been following her for days now, thinking she was one the wiser. He was tall and lanky, in black jeans and a black leather coat. He sported a little black bini cap hiding his blad head. He was white. Not white as in fair skin and rosy cheeks. He was the color of pressed flour with splotches of vanilla cake batter where the cold raised the blood. His eyes, the color of the sky on a cloudless day. He stood tall, playing the distracted tourist very well. All the while studying her. His head lifted from watching the oncoming traffic as if he could feel her cold gaze on him. She let the blinds go an backed away from the view of the stranger on the street.
It was time to go. For the first time in her long life, she’d chosen a place to settle down. To become comfortable in the little flat over the shop she’d purchased over twenty years ago on South Street. With a few precautions Philadelphia had become her home. She rarely ventured out without covering up completely and even went to the extent of hiring a new college student every year to work in the shop itself. She had come to love her quirky little vintage shop with her tourist attraction of strange old furnishings and her regulars, always searching for that new retro look. But that was all coming to an end now, and deep down, she knew it wouldn’t have lasted much longer.
Alice would leave tomorrow. Her plump lower lip pouted out as she considered the steps she needed to take to leave her home behind. It wasn’t as if she’d never moved before. Her life was a scribbled over wrinkled old map someone on the run. Never stopping, never really settling down. She ran after a year of existence with her father. She only survived long enough for him to re-teach her the basics of life in this world as a creature, as thing that needed to blend in with the living. Then he revealed his true motives. She was never to be free. Alice was only created as a companion for his first successful experiment. The vile murderous insane creature that stalked the lower catacombs of the castle he had them all locked in. He housed her in a glorified cell and used her in the basest, foulest way a man could use a woman. But, he never really considered her a woman or a threat. She was nothing more than a ragdoll; created in a vat of embryonic fluid and electrical current. She was a monster, against the laws of god and man. And that is why she ran.
then the nurse looks at me. looks at the thermometer.. looks back at me. i know its bad.
"wow. i mean... uh.. 101.5 i'll be right back"
i got the lecture as they stripped me down outta my shirt and stuck a cool cloth on the back of my neck and on my forehead as my nurse practitioner (looks fondly of a small aged mouse) gives me the lecture of my life.
she was freakin thorough. she tested everything and even knocked on my forehead. i've got infections in the places that make me breathe. damnit. again.
i'm on augmentim. :(
and nasal spray. but no inhaler this time!! yay! :)
so i'm not dead. just retarded as usual.
so my shitty frenemy at work had her husband the nice guy remove her 200$ extensions.
then i found out today that he had to postpone starting community college. he did it because they had no money to pay for it. and yet she just blew 200$ on fake hair because she hated her hair cut.
how retarded is that? mind you i'm sick as a dog and i didn't mean to (yeah i did) and said to sonia my fellow receptionist "wow.. she got fake hair and he's not goin to school. thats what i call priorities."
Monday, November 24, 2008
i know its a joke but after hearing me put effort into breathing like that on the phone i realized that mom's right (when is she not?). I need to see a dr. Sad part is i'm probably going to have to take a payday loan to pay my rent this month. :( damnit
damned Dr's are so expensive.
The writing's still on. :) i'm not done baby! ;p
Sunday, November 23, 2008
I woke up today feelin shitty... slept late, rolled outta bed and immediately dove into tv watchin mode. i've downgraded my cox (also known as cocks) cable to the bare freakin minimum and i'm dyin with sadness. so today was movie makeup for the crappy life day.
I watched The Other Boleyn Girl which has been sittin in my damned dvd player for god knows how long... i've been avoiding it as i am a historical addict and love the story of Anne of a thousand days. she was manipulative and brilliant but got too big for her britches messing with an overbearing tyrant of a king. i didn't want to see some mamby pamby story about two sisters fighting over such a boorish man. turns out i was wrong. damned movie was brilliant. i can't say enough how much i enjoy natalie portman. she can be kind and sweet, strong and proud and even bitchy and vindictive. thats all you need as an actress. the story was told well, written after that book.. you know.. same title.. no pictures. ;p
then i decided to jump directly into The Orphanage. Guillermo Del Toro would be the man of my dreams if he wasn't so gross lookin. the man is a genius but this film... its not his. its just got his name on it. its a spaniard(phonetically) film about a woman who lived a happy childhood at an orphanage on the spanish coast until she was adopted. later in life, she marrys and adopts a son who is terminally ill. they decide to buy and re open the orphanage... too bad its haunted by a past that was unfortunate and ugly.
the movie was beautiful. i mean wow. i really liked it which surprised me because most horror suspense films disappoint the crap out fo me these days. this one.. had a real basis of emotion and sadness. it was definitely filmed eyecatching.. and eye pleasing. and sad as hell. damned good movie.
okay now i'm off to see what else i can do. maybe take some advil for the freakin everlasting damned fever i keep getting. i'm sick but i can't afford the dr. :( good times baby.
Monday, November 17, 2008
i finished a beautiful pink scarf with a matching beret crocheted with dainty crochet stitches. I love it. as soon as i take pix, I'll show ya. :)
I"m thinking about getting back into selling :)
maybe make some money with my lil art. it took me a night to make the hat.. lets hope i can do so.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
How screwed up is that? global warming is killin polar bears by melting their food source. BUT even worse, it's killin my christmas. we aren't getting a good winter this year. it was 85 degrees out today. and its not letting up. the forcast is showing "pleasent" weather. how screwed up is that!?
I've chosen to fly out to california the 5th of december. isnt that spiffy? too bad its a week after my cousin is leaving back for Germany. its amazing isn't it? My cousin jacob apparently has been in germany and not in iraq as everyone has thought. well okay then. lol all that undue stress for nothing.
and stress is apparently my best friend as my boss is coming back from her hawaiian vacation and who knows who she'll be firing. they've not said a word to me about the damned coach sunglasses i requested forever ago. it doesnt matter i no longer want them and no longer plan on hearing anything about them as my boss conveniently forgets things that aren't shoved up her nose by the good dr. himself. Which is fine and I understand as she is his indirect slave. she works so hard that i feel sorry for her. pity isnt something i give easily.
he cares more about his money than his employees which is obviously understandable as he's out to make a buck. funny how you learn that a doctor.. is a sales man more than anything else.
we have a new machine that is testing for ARMD which is macular degeneration. its a destroyer of vision. it costs to take the test. how shitty is that? we charge people for a test that is so incredibly important. and then....
woohoo for this!
we recommend supplements to help prevent and deter it. and not just people who test abnormally high.. but to people who test in the okay range. we've not successfully become pill pushers.
god.. i've never thought i'd hate my job. for over a year i loved it. i love my job the things i did my patients and dealt with my frenemy in a decent manner as best she'd allow with her fucking bipolar behavior.
but now... now i wish they would just fire me so i can go work some shitty little retail job for the hoildays and claim unemployment. geez.
how sad is that?
i need to shower but its too late now so i'm goin to pop my nyquil as i'm fighting the last dreggs of the flu and my nasal spray so i'll have my one working nostril tomorrow .. working. lol
goodnight to those who don't read this damned thing.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Sonia sported an excellent Pirate Buckaneer Chick costume. She looked outstanding! Even Gloria sported a cool witchy black glittery top and her annual holloween vest. It was very fun. Mike sported all black and i asked "what are ya? a mobster?" he laughed and said yeah.
the frenemy however sported pin striped shorts (how the hell does she get away with that at work) and a typical black top. no dress up. no nothing. she was pretty bitter all day. it kinda sucked.
I'll admit at first i was like "WTF" but then i saw it. her legs. scarred and dimpled with flab and cottage cheese-like fat ruinning her skin. I couldnt help but smile and think "well.. she's not perfect." and i felt a lil better.
Yes its petty. but without that one person to be petty about.. we wouldn't be human. :p The kids looked great and it was fun.. i kinda freaked myself into a fearful moment sittin in my sister's house alone.. listening to screaming children and the wind blowing. heh.
I also decided to join up on a new dating site thanks to a friend on RF who sent me this hilarious link called ZombieHarmony.com I looooved it! the real dating site is called Mingle2 which isn't half bad. not as organized as POF but it does have this thing called Mutual Match which i really really like because its like "this guy likes your stuff enough to say he'd talk to you." and you do the same. you rate them. not like 1 to 10 but like Yes i'd like to talk to him maybe .. and no hell no definitely not. lol i like it. no bones about wher eyou stand. no point in wasting time. ya know?
I'm not really looking for anyone as i'm not goin to be in town but i thought it would be nice to check out the peoples. so far.. i've met more genuine men on there then all my time at POF. :)
and then there's EHarmony. yes.. i finally gave in and filled out their 29 point match up questionairre. it was free communication weekend this weekend. i had a total of 9. NINE FUCKING MATCHES!!! lol 8 were indian men. damnit.
nothin wrong with my eastern indian brothers except they are insatiably horny, and due to beliefs will not be marrying you. just trying to screw you. geez.
so thats that. i'm sure i'll be getting emails from them.
yesterday i watched Chaos Theory which i thought would be stupid but as I have an almost sickeningly hardcore crush on Ryan Reynolds forced me to stick it on the blockbuster list. It turned out to be a crazy almost soulsucking situation where a man who rules his life by lists and efficiency finds that one little stupid uncontrollable circumstance leads him down a path of lies and just plain breakdown. in a funny way. kinda. I'd have to say even with my confusing description i liked the film. not just becuase of reynolds either. but becuase it was genuinely good. you couldnt help but feel sorry for the guy as he attempts to commit suicide by living life. lol i liked it.
then i watched ... Jumper. that was okay. thats all i'm sayin about it. wasn't great. just okay. very comic booky. would be better as a comic book than a movie. just my two cents. ya know? not enough freakin backstory. geez.
now.. i'm off to play mariokart GCN and try to finally get a damned gold trophy in 150. oh... and watch The Other Boleyn girl. i'll let ya know what i think.
then... sewing. pants for the nephew then maybe a dress for moi :p
Friday, October 31, 2008
i feel like i owe them. like they took me in, taught me the ropes, give me free shitty health care, free glasses, and work me like a dog with shit pay.
i feel alone.
I love my sisters but i feel like every time they help me, i owe them. "well i did this for you!" comes out of their mouth and i don't know what to do.
I called the bff. we talked. ever since the birthday incident, i've felt completely and utterly alone. betrayed. and the depression's gotten worse.
i've finally realized today that i think i'm heavily depressed. i'm emotional. and a complete shut in. i'm dying to go home to my mom now just so I won't be alone anymore. its so strange to even think of that as just a while ago i wanted nothing to do with home. i dont know.
i just need help i guess. i can't afford it. but i need it.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
I stepped past the entrance gates and walked aimlessly behind my family until my vision focused. I stood mere feet away from the coral iridescent 48 ford convertible parked amongst other classic custom cars along the first leg of the state fair entrance. Heat radiated from it. My mind spun as the roaring of engines made my ears ring with the necessity to go fast. Real fast.
I stepped closer, my heart pounding as the owner smiled at me. He was easily in his seventies, lookin me up and down as if I were goin to scratch his paint. I closed my eyes. And the inner me poured out.
Suddenly I was me. the real me. I was still my same five feet, six inches tall, but everything about me was… confidence. I 140 pounds of pure raw sex in heels. I could feel the need in me, tugging at my lower abdomen like an orgasm. Every curve in my body vibrated with excitement. I popped the handle, opening the driver side door, and slid in, sideways like a lady. Like momma always taught me. Slowly, I pulled my luscious olive skinned legs in and turned to face the wheel.
I reached across the dash and pulled his sun glasses on. They wrapped around my eyes like a soft blindfold, showing me only what I needed to see. The road in front of me.
“Here ya go darlin.” He whispered as he bent into the driver’s side window, handing me the single eight ball keychain. The key glittered, silver, shiny, cold to the touch.
“You spoil me.” I licked my lips and shoved my palm into his face. He flew from the window and I slammed the key home.
RRRROOOOAAARRR!!! The engine flared to life.
I shuddered. The release rocked me for only a glimpse of a moment as I floored it.
Tires squealed and so did the old man’s wife. I plowed down the ramp from the show room, out the back dock door and through the gates. The wind seared my face as I flew down the freeway. I flipped on the vintage radio and turned that dial.
Irony is a fucking tease as I stopped on an AM station playing Down in Mexico blaring through my new speakers. I drove. I drove all the way to the Baja coast…
“Mija, want a funnel cake?” my family asked me as my eyes popped open and I stared longingly at the coral iridescent 48 ford convertible on display.
Monday, October 20, 2008
mom visited this weekend. i miss her already. we talk.. its good. i hate my family. and the gossip that comes with.
so i hide from them. that's gonna end when i move back to the land of sunshine and cell phones.
i'm so frustrated and tired and sick of it. oh well.
wow... my bloggings' gettin lazy. hahah
here's a random pic of a fast effin car. i took these babies while headin for breakfast saturday mornin. they were parked in front of a 5 n' diner. so very cliche. yet... i want them. or just one. doesn't matter which.. just one will do.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
did you see it???
proof that her run is in the toilet ladies and gents.
ya think she'd have waited until after nov. 4th. ya know?
its amazing how that works. she said she'd decided to not do the skit they'd rehearsed which was a rap ... which was hilarious!!!
strange though.. as i watched it... girl's got rythm. she's in her seat... dancin and groovin away...
but yeah... its over. thanks for the final death march sista.
here's the other skit. the non funny one.
Friday, October 17, 2008
"Hey Jane, all of these were on the floor by your station please look around @ night & tidy up!!!" in which she made the exclimation marks a smiley face which is my boss's trademark bullshit micromanagement way of saying "yay! you can't do your job"
mind you.. she used to have my assist. manager clean. then that stopped. now her husband does it.
you know why?? because they are cheap bastards who won't hire a cleaning company to come in.
yeah. i said.
you bunch of cheap bastards!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
so i bought The Rogue Hunter which is the newest installment of her vampire series which has no name really.. when she first started writing it... it came out sporadic and confusing. but each book was good in its own right with light airy humor and always the same base plot. i'm sure i'll get sick of it at some point like i did with LKH. regardless... this one starts kinda slow and i have to push myself. yet again.
writing's stifled again.
my Big Gay Al best friend from high school has finally come out of the closet... to his wife. who is furious. that she didn't already know what everyone else did. LOL when i graduated high school he was fast my best friend. he lived in a trailer with his two younger twin brothers which was on the same lot as the trailer his dysfunctionally nice mom and gramma lives (still to this day). its his fault i watch anime... and my fault he loves womens shoes. lol he showed up at my moms house a few nights ago and explained that he was gay.
"well duh." hahah i love my mom. she straight told him "its about time." hahaha!!! she's always known and always supported him. even when he didn't.
moments with big gay al:
- nairing his arms back and chest when he dressed up as a woman for holloween (we wear the same shoe size hah)
- watching La Blue Girl anime (totally hentai!!!) for the first time in his trailer
- the gang bought me my first vibrator at Fun Zone adult store then as i drove home with a packed car, he pressed it against the car window the entire way hahaha the ass.
- renting porn on friday night porn nights with the gang and laughing hysterically with popcorn and red vines. (my first porn ever perchased... The Devil and Miss Jones... yeah baby)
- him trying to figure out if he was gay, kissin me in the back of his oldsmobile.
- watching that crappy yet hilarious old marijuana is the devil movie from the 50's
FUUUUHHHHLLLIPPP!!! <~~ thats the subject. baby sister's shower went well. i got a candle. i won a game. i dont remember which. oohh maybe bingo. who knew. cuban family members brought food and i had it for lunch which was so damned good i wanted to cry. :p i had to share it. older sister's friend the divorcee (her ex was molested by his dad which was a huge figure in the colorado community who molested over 100 kids) was a sore loser and self loathing all day. made me feel no shame for laughing hysterically. little sister got the goods. its trippy. speakin of... the supposed father came into my work today. it was creepy and weird ... seein him. told him i was leavin town. surprisingly... he wished me the best and told me that he knew i was smart and would go far. keep in touch. it was soo weird. finally for the 3 people who read this... check out mob's sunday post with previews that i can't watch because my downgraded cable internet sucks.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
–noun, plural -sies.
a pretense of having a virtuous character, moral or religious beliefs or principles, etc., that one does not really possess.
a pretense of having some desirable or publicly approved attitude.
an act or instance of hypocrisy.
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.
American Heritage Dictionary - Cite This Source - Share This
n. pl. hy·poc·ri·sies
The practice of professing beliefs, feelings, or virtues that one does not hold or possess; falseness.
An act or instance of such falseness. [Middle English ipocrisie, from Old French, from Late Latin hypocrisis, play-acting, pretense, from Greek hupokrisis, from hupokrīnesthai, to play a part, pretend : hupo-, hypo- + krīnesthai, to explain, middle voice of krīnein, to decide, judge; see krei- in Indo-European roots.]
(Download Now or Buy the Book)The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth EditionCopyright © 2006 by Houghton Mifflin Company.Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.
So I have to work this weekend. the weekend my mother was to come into town. the weekend of little sister's baby shower. the crunch stress weekend of more family drama. and i have to work.
thanks to my boss for not giving a shit about my life and scheduling me to work the weekend i didn't have to. its the second monthly weekend i'm working because my boss was too busy dealing with her snaggletoe (snaggletoe: a toe that is misshapen, bent, distorted, or otherwise unporportioned to the foot and other toes) from wearing high heels for 20 years straight. so due to this fact, i got screwed.
its typical. i mean i expected it. this place is bias and doesn't give a shit about their employees so whatever right? lets just throw them under the bus. except the token black dude who's an excellent salesman/preacher/lecherous sick dirty old man who's loved by the good doctor. he never gets in trouble. good times.
so this morning i decided not to bother doing my hair too hardcore as i didn't want to burn it after yesterday's torture with product and heat. i threw it up in a clip... pinned the top into a pomp (pomp: short for pompadour which is a hair do popularized in the late 40's by greasers or other hoodlems of the time. now worn by men and women in the car culture world) and tie a pretty pink bandana around it which matched my camisole and shoes. shoes which are the cutest pink espidrille wedges with lil white embroidered stars on them! soo cute. anyway very rockabilly very cute.
I get to work.. survive a half hour before my assistant manager pulls me aside and tells me that i need to go home and do something with the hair. its unprofessional.
I snap. i'm sooo incredibly sick of this place and its bullshit. frenemy dresses like a cross between a drag queen, Peggy Bundy and a whore and gets away with it. the manager is a 40 year old who wears gogo dresses and lil triangle tops with hooker heels. the dr's say nothing. they allow it. i wear my hair in a pink PINK!!! bandana that matches my outfit and i get told to change it.
I call shinannagans!!!
i tell him so! everything! exactly how i feel! i tell him that the bias treatment of certain employees versus others is unfair and has brought down morale like a bomb. i make it clear that people leave because of the micromanagement of some and the free range roaming of others ... others who screw up the schedules, lie to the patients, and sell shit that is inferior to our standards yet get away with it!
if i were black.. they wouldnt' say shit about the rag. they'd be too afraid to. black people have no idea how much power they've amassed with the fear of being un PC toward them. lol man. if only...
he said that he'd not been able to say anything before. now the doctor has given him the right to say something and he'll be doing so. I'm just the first to hear it.
so he takes me home. i burn my hair with the blowdryer until its in place. my cat proceeds to bite my assistant manager in the living room while i do so. shes a good kitty. :D she knows her loyalties. he brings me back ... and i tell him i understand where he's comin from but its bogus and he knows it. he agrees. i tell him that its outta hand and unfair with the way they dress and i get called out for my hair thats that. he understands.
lifes funny that way ya know?
so saturday sucks balls like a two dollar hooker on a tuesday morning. i'm fed up and tired. what can you do?
Friday, October 10, 2008
so this morning in the process of getting a breakfast sammich.. the guy at coffee buzz(which is no longer a cool place to eat since its been sold) cracks the egg open in front o fme to make my sammich and boom... two yokes. yeah.
whats it mean?
well after some sneaky at work research...
norse mythology and santeria believes its sign of a death in the family.
wiccans and other much kinder cultures consider it good luck in love and fortune.
I'm rootin for the latter. ;p
work still sucks ass ... my frenemy was itchin to be invited to sister 3's baby shower (i can't remember which is sister one or sister three so they are now lil sister the drama queen and big sister the vindictive one) lil sisters baby shower is family and friends only. she just stood there. hahahaahaha
okay i'm goin to bed. i actually have to work tomorrow. life sucks like that.
not a plane crash
not a drug crash
the market crash.
we are officially at a 20% loss. am i scared? of course. every american is. has our disease spread across the globe? absolutely. BMW is planning to close 2 major plants in germany creating major job loss because they think they will not be able to sell enough cars here in the US.
President Bush is making his usual vague speech, explaining what we already know. making us face the facts we've been trying to ignore. the Credit Market is frozen. no more loans. no more credit. no more "sure you can borrow even though you have no way of paying it back."
"fellow citizens we can solve this crisis and we will."
he's going through the steps to fix the mistake that he ignored for so very long.
the rate cut is going to only put us in an even deeper hole. Do you really think people people will use it for a college education? lol they will buy their big cars, and big houses and bullshit they dont need.
we are stupid when it comes to money. i thought it was just me. now... i know its my entire country.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
she picked me up after work and we headed straight to Sally's beauty supply. A moment about sally's ... At one time i loved the place as they carried the best hair products which were once only for the pro's but sallys brought that to the common man/woman/gay wannabee hair dresser. you could get everything from manicure products to full body waxing kits. you could get piercing gear and hair dye and frosting caps and weave hair (yeah .. for hair weaves yo!) it was a great place to learn from professionals!!!
WAIT! moment of silence for my bag of Sour Punch Straws that my frenemy and her husband just finished off .. those sneaky bastards. :(
anyway it was once a place to rock the beauty tip with stuff that only the pro's could buy and stuff that was available to everyone. you felt cool shopping there... as if you were good enough to cut and color.
well.. today.. the 17 year old behind the counter had no idea what i was talking about when i explained the necessity for different developers to dye my sister's hair. she told us to just get the 10 which would have done nothing but set the color. no definition!!! she had pink hair and piercings everywhere so i immediately judged her thinking that she knew a thing or two about hair product when in fact she was a Toni & Guy aspiring fool who knew shit about hair. I asked her about half barrel hair straighteners and she had no idea what that was or where i could find one. i felt like crying. then .. the epitome of retardation...
"did Feria stop making Radiant Black? or do you guys just not keep it in stock?"
"whats radiant black?"
"um... its Feria's red based black"
"there's no such thing as red based black"
"are you serious?"
from here on out the rest is said in my head.
"Okay. you need to go back to school. Feria once made a red based black called Radiant Black. it started about 10 years ago and was once only offered to pros. then they released it to the public."
"there's no such thing as red based black." (she did however repeat this as if i'd said what i was thinking out loud.)
"you're an idiot."
i muttered the last of it barely audible by dogs, as we were wrung up and let go from that little craphouse. yeah i said craphouse.
we got taco bell (i'm now experiencing taco bell buyers remorse as my tummy has gone insane with pain eeewww you know whats next.) and headed to sister 3's house.. there... there they gave me my straightener back!! wooo!!
we then headed to their mom's, sister 1 and i. watched the debate (they are both retarded even though i lean more toward obama than mccain the scary war monger guy) then proceeded in dying her hair. i'm the queen of hair dying. i've gotten dye in places in bathrooms that you'd never expect. on doors, behind toilets, in crevices.... its amazing. thsi time.. i got it nowhere!!! hehe i'm good. i covered her head in dark brown because thats the color she chose... and it turned out black in the bottle. we freaked out. she let it set no more than 10 minutes before i was telling her to rinse it out!!!
she rinsed... and it turned out beautiful. i'm amazing i know it. lol
i suddenly realized that i really really don't like the frenemy becuase when we were friends and partying together, she was cheating on her husband in front of me. I've been anti cheating from day one when my mind comprehended the difference between single.. and not single. she brought that around me with no care as to how it made her look or how it makes those around them look... i just dont understand that. she cheated and not just cheated but flaunted. became a whore that fast. her kid at home with her man who she said was hurting her. but thats no excuse to cheat. you leave if they hurt you ya know? she cheated and then karma bit her in the ass. she got pregnant by her lover and all hell broke loose. i barely knew her hubby who's now my friend and its just horrible... working here... knowing exactly wht she did knowing whta happened and knowing that she used me as her little therapist to cry and whine and bitch and ... okay the cheating.
thats why. thats why hate is a word i rarely use but for her.. it just might be necessary.
i just had this epiphany and i have no idea where it came from ... but i now know that she dragged me into her drama and we weren't even that good of friends. and then after everything.. she punished me when her life fell apart .. only because i knew her secret.
i feel better.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
things have been extremely tight as life has gotten a lil more challenging. but you know me! I'm all about a challenge! so i've been surviving.
the idea fo moving home with mom is no longer abhorrant as it was a while ago. i've accepted my lot in life and know now what I've got to do to accomplish what needs to be accomplished to live my life the way I need to. there is contentment and happiness. true happiness is so difficult to attain but can you be content? can you feel at peace with yourself without getting everything you've ever dreamed?
I think i can. Life is a long list of compromises. what are you willing to fight for and what are you willing to let go? I have been without cable or internet for maybe 4 days now which accounts for my ass not posting like a good lil blogger should. meh. what can you do?
but i survive because I've got food and such.
I've been trying to write. not just on the fly but to force myself to sit down and create a plot line. I've got an amazing idea brewing in my head that I won't allow anyone to see until i've really got it plotted out and written. I'm taking no chances with this! I don't want to write another romance. i want to write fantasy!!! i want to take you beyond the story and let you feel every stitch. we'll see. :p its exciting. i just have to get past my own frustration and do whats gotta be done.
oh and my damned coworker the older lady came in while i was eating my sammich at lunch and immediately she starts talking about work shit. i sat there trying not to regergitate my salad while she bitched and complained about different kinds of lenses. :(
please god kill me. ;p
or give me a better job. or let me survive these last 6 months without murdering a coworker or family member. i need a drink.
saw 27 dresses... boring.
saw Over Her Dead Body... HORRIBLE!!! oh dear god!! horrible!! langoria shouldn't be allowed to speak during movies. just may lay around half naked. thats it. good god it was horrible.
saw a movie called I REALLY Hate My Job which was an indie film about 5 women goin through shit while workin at a high class rat infested lil bar and at some points it was tedious but others.. really really good. and all i can say is either neve campbell is an amazing actress who can very nicely play a neurotic self absorbed selfish 30 year old or she really is a neurotic self absorbed selfish 30 year old woman who can't act and was just hangin around a sound stage for fun. there ya go
"you are the scum between my toes..." lol
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
sister 1 has gone too far.
sister1: whats up
JaneDoh: nothin just playin a game
JaneDoh: what abu tyou
sister1: eating dinner
sister1: did you eat?
JaneDoh: i had a hot dog. with mustard even. lol its like i live off snacks now lol
JaneDoh: i keep this up and i'll be thin
sister1: well im glad your eating though, i would hate to find out that you where sitting at home with no food.
JaneDoh: no ma'am
JaneDoh: thank you again for that
sister1: your welcome. Its what family is for lets just work on getting shit done for you.
sister1: we still havent done the ahcccs papers. even though i have them... i havent heard you say..."Hey JEN lets get my paper work done" this is IMPORTANT yasamin!
sister1: Im only doing this to help you out, I dont have to be. And i know you know that and i know you appreciate it... but YAS you need to start steeping up
JaneDoh: excuse me but if you would have just asked you might have found out that i've been going through boxes for my ssn or birth cert. its not like i dont want your help jen. i really do. and i appreciate it. i'm not being mean or taking advantage.. i'm just tryin ot find my stuff.
sister1: You told me you found your BC and i never said anything with attitude so please dont start with you Excuse me.
sister1: im just saying yas.. relax NO ONE is attacking you
JaneDoh: i never said you had attitude. as a matter of fact all i've done is thank you. i said excuse me because its the polite thing to say when you want to clear something up. thats it.
JaneDoh: and no. i hvaent found it.
JaneDoh: i said i was looking for it.
JaneDoh: every box i've checked so far hasnt had it in there.
sister1: Im not trying to be rude yas, but are you REALLY looking for it? I mean the last time i was at your house....you havent even unpacked the boxes next to your kitchen table. I dont care if you are or not.. or whatever the case is.... it just always seems like a story when things need to get done. Kind of like me getting my 30 bucks for the phone. Im not trying to be a bitch yas so be rude. Im just frustrated with you. I know you have been thanking me and i just told you im glad i could help. But.....Just like the night you came to my house... we talked for 2 hours. and i thought i was getting somewhere with you.... so we could come up with a plan. Then trevor walks in and you said... "Yea i dont know if jen told you but im moving back to cali in april" it's like the
sister1: whole converstation we had that night went through one ear and out the other.
sister1: Its just frustrating yas. Im still here for you and am not mad at you and dont want you to think this is causing tenstion because its not.
sister1: i just want you to understand that its like im really putting effort into helping you out and nothing is being done.
sister1: But thats fine. Ill leave the papers with you next time we hang out.... then when you find your stuff you can fax it in from work.
sister1: No worries. dont get offensive and upset because im not. I just felt like i needed to tell you how i was feeling.
sister1: plus im pregnant and taking everything to seriously.
JaneDoh: I'm sorry you feel that way.
JaneDoh: I dont know what else to say to anything that you just told me.
sister1: you dont need to say anything. There is no argument-- i was just stating how i felt. dont feel sorry just really look for that stuff, it's going to help you. Which is what i want it to do... help you. I hate seeing people struggle, or be upset because of money problems. Or hearing you have no water.... it's not supposed to be that way. Thats why i want this to get done because it really is going to help you.
JaneDoh: can i say how i feel now?
JaneDoh: its not going ot be rude or insulting or hurtful
sister1: sure, you dont need to ask. im not your mom. im your little sister remember.
JaneDoh: i have been looking.
JaneDoh: and it sucks to me that you don't believe me.
JaneDoh: it kinda hurts.
JaneDoh: but i understand why.
JaneDoh: and thats fine.
JaneDoh: I have done alot of thinking and I knew the answer deep down inside. and I tried to convey that when we talked that night but apparently i didnt.
JaneDoh: I think the best option for me is to move home with my mom. I want your help and accept your help and appreciate it with all my heart
JaneDoh: but i'm not just trying to get back to the level i was at.
JaneDoh: i am going to fix my life.
JaneDoh: and that no longer includes living on my own not going ot school working a job that doesn't pay me enough to live.
JaneDoh: I am also still learning to control the spending habit.
JaneDoh: I get paid friday. I will be getting a payday loan to help with rent and bills.
JaneDoh: with that money I will be paying you for the 30 ffor the phone
JaneDoh: and i apologize that i had not been able to pay you back for that.
JaneDoh: i'm sorry i didn't have the money.
JaneDoh: but i will.
JaneDoh: i'm in a bind i put myself into and i appreciate the family stepping up to help me. it makes me feel less alone.
JaneDoh: but i dont see my future here.
JaneDoh: i've been suffering by my own damned hands too long jen.
JaneDoh: its time to do things the right way.
JaneDoh: and i can't do that by scrounging to survive.
JaneDoh: I also feel really uncomfortable about lying to the government on those forms
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
I have no idea why but i have no patience, no calm, no acceptance for mankind. the frenemy today seems to realize that and is staying away from me because she knows that when i'm in bitch mode... there is no contending my anger.
i missed takin my birth control (thank you lybrel for being the only brand that hasn't made me want to throw up my pancreas) last weekend and this morning... i started my period. thats fucking horrible considering that its only been 2 weeks. so damn you mother nature and damn you aunt flow.
today was a pretty good day at work. after years of denying the the harry potter craze, i've finally given in to my pal who says i need to read it. i remember years ago before JK Rowling was a massive success, Science Fiction Book Club sent me the first book as a mistake. i read the first chapter and sent it back immediately. lol little did i know right?
thank god i'm not a band wagoner.
I've refused... years and years and years to read those damned books. well.. I'm finally doin it. partly out of desperation because i can't afford books and have no library card and partly out of curiosity. I need to get out of the Romance genre. I need to find a way to write my fantasy without the underlying love story. i can do this!!!
yesterday was my nephew's birthday yesterday. he's 12. and for the first time in years.. i couldn't be the cool aunt with the kick ass unbeatable gift. i couldnt get im anything. it really broke my heart. surprisingly. we had a lil family get together and did cake and presents but we do bowling this weekend :) for his friends... lol
Monday, September 29, 2008
i'm watching good morning america and they are talkin about Autism. its such a touchy subject so i'll just say this... good luck moms!
i'm not a mom and so i'm not going to disrespect you by saying "i understand" because i dont. so i know its gotta be tough but i dont know if it really is. so yeah.
anyway i'm goin to work. lol
oh.. and i'm goin to sell my knitting again. so i'm makin scarves and hats this winter! :p
Friday, September 26, 2008
i feel bad. more people will be losing their jobs. washington mutual has so many people under them.. what's going to happen to those people?
I'll be honest.. I'm scared.
On a stranger note... I've let my sisters know that I am leaving Dirt city. 1 has made it known that she supports my choice and has basically bowed out. 3 however... 3 has surprised the hell out of me. yesterday... she took me grocery shopping. yeah. i know. we went back to her house and we talked. she admitted that 1 and 3 got together and discussed me.
now here's the thing. the old me the me from a bit ago... would have been pissed. but after all this... i just didn't care. i smiled at her and she immediately said "we didnt get together to talk shit" which of course i knew. she wouldn't have told me if that were the case.
She told me that she didnt want me to go and neither did sister 1. she said that she understands the decision but that she really doesn't want to see me go. she said that she wants to help me. she says that she was forced to grow up this last year and the things she's learned made her realize how important family is.
we sat and talked and i told that here, regardless of what kind of financial plan i create, will never give me enough for me to pay off my debts not just my regular bills, go back to school, and write my novels. its unfair that i cannot do that here. its wrong that i dont get paid enough to pay even my normal bills. its wrong that i can't find another job. and whats worse is i'm isolated and alone here. family isnt enough. i need friends and like minds to hang with and be chill with. i need people who are at my mental level who like the same things and who can spend time with me. she said she understood. ever since she became pregnant she says she's lost all her friends. i wanted to explain it wasn't the pregnancy.. it was leaving high school and moving on. everyone is moving on without her. she didnt go to school to make new friends and she wasn't working at a place to make good friends. she was just .. in limbo. but i said nothing because she can blame on whatever she wants but it all comes down to the fact that she's alone. and that scares her.
its sad to know shes learning these things the hard way.
she wants me to get government help. i accepted. i've no shame when it comes to payin my bills. she wanted to make it clear to me that they are there to help me. i thanked her for it. i understand.
i think my sudden announcement scared them. but its not going to change. this is all i can do to save me. i have 2 families and they forget that. one here in Dirt City and one in California. what can i do?
oh and I'm so sick of hearin about Clay bein gay. People Magazine has it all over. yack.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
people are changing. no one can live off of what my office is paying them. this job's driven her to stress, sleepless nights, smoking again... its all been hard for her. and she's had a slightly hard time to adapt because the job demands so much of us for such little pay. so it breaks my heart to see her go and no not because i have to find another ride to work. but because she was a good work-friend.
she's a good woman who deserves better anyway.
people are leaving.
and i want to do the same. we'll see what happens.
i've made the decision to move back home after the lease is over on the apartment because i can't afford to live here anymore and becuase i have a past that needs to be cleaned up. There are too many people out there right now suffering and it would just be better if i went home to my mom and accept the help she's offered. she's also offered that I go back to school. I think that's a fantastic idea. but fist... clean up.
I'm frustrated and depressed but nothin i can do.
On a lighter note.. i'm on level six on the New Super Mario Brothers on my DS Lite. heehehe.
its the only joy i have. i'm cancelling the cable today. wish me luck k?
yeah i just watched him admit it as if it were nothing on the air on Good Morning America. I wasn't shocked but dude... really... outta nowhere. man.
I'd like the scrambled eggs, french toast, i'm gay, sausage, and coffee please.
yeah. or how about:
I really like the way these skinny jeans make my ass look flat, the way it causes rolls, i'm gay, the way it causes camel toe.. its hot stuff.
Man I totally want to go see the pussycat dolls because their new cd seems soo great i'm gay and the girls are so cute and i hear they are hardcore live performers.
you can read the story here.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I will fix this life of mine.
there is no starting over. only reincarnation and i'm not ready to die. there's only fixing it. cure. mend. abridge.
so yeah thats the plan. my mom gave me a lil money to keep the power on and i talked to my boss. I can't afford to live off of what they are paying me. my bills outnumber my cash. my life is getting to scary. too close to that refrigerator box of my nightmares.
its gotta stop.
so thanks Alicia for showin me the light.
Misfortune by Wesley Stace
rating: 3 of 5 stars
The first one hundred pages was so much personal story history that it was like pulling teeth to get through it. I immediately picks up pace jetpack style and you fly through the next few hundred pages with only a few moments of hair pulling boredom. The characters are so colorful you immediately hate some, pity others and love a few. Its a train wreck... too interesting to pass up.
View all my reviews.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
This payday was supposed to be my last payday of major backwards debt. i was set on auto pay for this wednesday night to post on thursday. i deposited my bill money on monday.
the bank decided to withhold my deposit.
they then decided to release my auto pays on monday instead of the day i scheduled.
they paid for it with my pending deposit.
then charged me nsf fees up the ass.
and took my electricity money.
and my grocery money.
and still.. i owe them 28.16$ after the fact.
i can't stop crying.
I fucking did everything in my power to fix this. i worked so hard to get where i am. i just wanted to stop living like i was fucking going to end up in a refrigerator box.
tomorrow... i'll wake up with no power. no lights. no hot water. thank you my big budget bank that will probably go under and take all my money. oh wait.. you already took all my money.
may karma take you down.
god help me find a better job and get paid more. I can't keep living like this.
i'm a retard when it comes to cashola and I'd hate to keep spending like a fool so i need to
1. make more money
2. stop spending like a retard
3. save a freakin penny or two.
okay into the shower i go. i smell like feet and fritos. which is essentially the same smell
Monday, September 22, 2008
In a necessity to attempt anonymity... I've had to do the most horrifying thing I could do.
In an attempt to keep my nosy ass drama queen sisters out of my blogger life, I deleted my old account. It was hands down the most painful lonely thing i've ever done. I'll be labeling my sisters as 1-being the oldest and 3-being the youngest.
well 3 found the blog and as she's got the most drama than any of us... I had no choice because it was my place to vent about them and damnit if she wouldn't have spread that to the only family I have out here in the crotch hair of hell. yeah thats how I refer to my desert city. we'll call it Dirt City.
she lied to me alot about 5 months ago and put us through some hardcore shit so i have grown distant. but I've realized as time passed that i've lived in Dirt City, I've isolated myself. so not wanting to be completely alone, I accepted her as she is... lying caniving bitchy.
its been rough. 1's just had a lil baby and she's in her own world which is totally understandable. she's the better of the two. she brings me left overs from the damned good dinners she cooks. she brings me extra food from her parents overly loving them with dried and non perishables from costco. :) she also thrives on other peoples drama and misery. so its tough to deal with but i love her mucho.
so yeah. 3 found me out and i had to destroy the evidence to prevent war.
now my heart is broken and I have no choice to but to accept what's happened.
so i've started a new one. away from it all.
welcome to Unidentified Jane Doh!
I'll be posting art from me takin pictures and words from my writings... and my daily thoughts of moments at work and such. :) I'm on a dating site and its been a strange and lonely treck.
so as for today...
i totally played hookie, woke up not even wanting to crawl outta bed so me and Kitteh went right back to bed. not for long though. she's feisty. she's a biter so she went straight for my feet the moment i tossed and/or turned :p
I watched an entire day of bullshit tv consisting of an entire season of America's Next Top Model where Danielle won when i totally was rootin for Joanie. i changed from one set of pajamas *PAIIEEEEYYYAAMMAAASS* into another. i did no cleaning, i paid no bills, i tried to contact my half assed sisters.... no luck. so fuck it. I just hung out today me myself and i.
I do have to admit.. by the end of the day.. I was completely and utterly lonely. and that tells me that I need to make some friends and get out of this damned apartment. i also need to return the DVR and cancel the cable which i cannot afford and get my ass into a gym.
finally... Heroes was great tonight.. 2 freakin episodes one that made me hate 2 of my favorite characters (lies! i love Suresh and peters brother the hot one!) soo good. ;p i can't help but be a damned teeny bopper when it comes to this damned show.
okay ... so my heart's not into it tonight. i know this. its the utter loneliness i've been feeling lately. not like i need to get laid... just miss people who care. people who will just hang and laugh and be cool.
i dont know how to find those people anymore.
here's a shot i took today with my lil cam. its so amazing it looks like photoshop but damn if it isnt the real deal.