Tuesday, September 30, 2008

bitch o' rama

I woke up this morning with my bitch face on.

I have no idea why but i have no patience, no calm, no acceptance for mankind. the frenemy today seems to realize that and is staying away from me because she knows that when i'm in bitch mode... there is no contending my anger.

i missed takin my birth control (thank you lybrel for being the only brand that hasn't made me want to throw up my pancreas) last weekend and this morning... i started my period. thats fucking horrible considering that its only been 2 weeks. so damn you mother nature and damn you aunt flow.

today was a pretty good day at work. after years of denying the the harry potter craze, i've finally given in to my pal who says i need to read it. i remember years ago before JK Rowling was a massive success, Science Fiction Book Club sent me the first book as a mistake. i read the first chapter and sent it back immediately. lol little did i know right?

thank god i'm not a band wagoner.

I've refused... years and years and years to read those damned books. well.. I'm finally doin it. partly out of desperation because i can't afford books and have no library card and partly out of curiosity. I need to get out of the Romance genre. I need to find a way to write my fantasy without the underlying love story. i can do this!!!

yesterday was my nephew's birthday yesterday. he's 12. and for the first time in years.. i couldn't be the cool aunt with the kick ass unbeatable gift. i couldnt get im anything. it really broke my heart. surprisingly. we had a lil family get together and did cake and presents but we do bowling this weekend :) for his friends... lol

Monday, September 29, 2008

YAY for mondays!

LOL thats the most blatently insulting title i could think of on a monday where all i want to do is go back to bed. lol

i'm watching good morning america and they are talkin about Autism. its such a touchy subject so i'll just say this... good luck moms!


i'm not a mom and so i'm not going to disrespect you by saying "i understand" because i dont. so i know its gotta be tough but i dont know if it really is. so yeah.

anyway i'm goin to work. lol

oh.. and i'm goin to sell my knitting again. so i'm makin scarves and hats this winter! :p

Friday, September 26, 2008

DC Dog Fights!

Every morning I wake up and watch the story on the newest bank that's gone down. My favorite renegade bank went down this morning. Washington Mutual is no more. I remember when they first started maybe 10 years ago as a huge boom on the market, everyone flooding to the no fee bank. it was an amazing idea that really helped. but on their end... business was beautiful until the shit hit the fan.

i feel bad. more people will be losing their jobs. washington mutual has so many people under them.. what's going to happen to those people?

I'll be honest.. I'm scared.

On a stranger note... I've let my sisters know that I am leaving Dirt city. 1 has made it known that she supports my choice and has basically bowed out. 3 however... 3 has surprised the hell out of me. yesterday... she took me grocery shopping. yeah. i know. we went back to her house and we talked. she admitted that 1 and 3 got together and discussed me.

now here's the thing. the old me the me from a bit ago... would have been pissed. but after all this... i just didn't care. i smiled at her and she immediately said "we didnt get together to talk shit" which of course i knew. she wouldn't have told me if that were the case.

She told me that she didnt want me to go and neither did sister 1. she said that she understands the decision but that she really doesn't want to see me go. she said that she wants to help me. she says that she was forced to grow up this last year and the things she's learned made her realize how important family is.

we sat and talked and i told that here, regardless of what kind of financial plan i create, will never give me enough for me to pay off my debts not just my regular bills, go back to school, and write my novels. its unfair that i cannot do that here. its wrong that i dont get paid enough to pay even my normal bills. its wrong that i can't find another job. and whats worse is i'm isolated and alone here. family isnt enough. i need friends and like minds to hang with and be chill with. i need people who are at my mental level who like the same things and who can spend time with me. she said she understood. ever since she became pregnant she says she's lost all her friends. i wanted to explain it wasn't the pregnancy.. it was leaving high school and moving on. everyone is moving on without her. she didnt go to school to make new friends and she wasn't working at a place to make good friends. she was just .. in limbo. but i said nothing because she can blame on whatever she wants but it all comes down to the fact that she's alone. and that scares her.

its sad to know shes learning these things the hard way.

she wants me to get government help. i accepted. i've no shame when it comes to payin my bills. she wanted to make it clear to me that they are there to help me. i thanked her for it. i understand.

i think my sudden announcement scared them. but its not going to change. this is all i can do to save me. i have 2 families and they forget that. one here in Dirt City and one in California. what can i do?

oh and I'm so sick of hearin about Clay bein gay. People Magazine has it all over. yack.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

not so unexpected goodbye

so mary my neurotic yet hilarious and fun co-worker has something to tell me after work. Mary's leaving. I already know. not because Sonia slipped up yesterday after work while she helped me save myself from going home to a dark apartment. but because i can feel it.

people are changing. no one can live off of what my office is paying them. this job's driven her to stress, sleepless nights, smoking again... its all been hard for her. and she's had a slightly hard time to adapt because the job demands so much of us for such little pay. so it breaks my heart to see her go and no not because i have to find another ride to work. but because she was a good work-friend.

she's a good woman who deserves better anyway.

people are leaving.

and i want to do the same. we'll see what happens.

i've made the decision to move back home after the lease is over on the apartment because i can't afford to live here anymore and becuase i have a past that needs to be cleaned up. There are too many people out there right now suffering and it would just be better if i went home to my mom and accept the help she's offered. she's also offered that I go back to school. I think that's a fantastic idea. but fist... clean up.

I'm frustrated and depressed but nothin i can do.

On a lighter note.. i'm on level six on the New Super Mario Brothers on my DS Lite. heehehe.

its the only joy i have. i'm cancelling the cable today. wish me luck k?

clay aiken is gay


yeah i just watched him admit it as if it were nothing on the air on Good Morning America. I wasn't shocked but dude... really... outta nowhere. man.


I'd like the scrambled eggs, french toast, i'm gay, sausage, and coffee please.

yeah. or how about:

I really like the way these skinny jeans make my ass look flat, the way it causes rolls, i'm gay, the way it causes camel toe.. its hot stuff.

or maybe:

Man I totally want to go see the pussycat dolls because their new cd seems soo great i'm gay and the girls are so cute and i hear they are hardcore live performers.

wait what?

you can read the story here.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

6 months.

thats it. I've decided. After talking with my mom and doing the budget, its time for me to go home and settle my shit. so thats what i'll be doing when my lease is up. I'll be packing my shit and moving back to my mom's so i can pay my bills off, get a car and go back to school. i dont know how long i'll be there and how i'll survive mentally but i do know one thing... I'll survive.

I will fix this life of mine.

there is no starting over. only reincarnation and i'm not ready to die. there's only fixing it. cure. mend. abridge.


so yeah thats the plan. my mom gave me a lil money to keep the power on and i talked to my boss. I can't afford to live off of what they are paying me. my bills outnumber my cash. my life is getting to scary. too close to that refrigerator box of my nightmares.

its gotta stop.

testing 1.. 2.. 3..

I'm an avid reader...

so thanks Alicia for showin me the light.
Misfortune Misfortune by Wesley Stace

My review

rating: 3 of 5 stars
The first one hundred pages was so much personal story history that it was like pulling teeth to get through it. I immediately picks up pace jetpack style and you fly through the next few hundred pages with only a few moments of hair pulling boredom. The characters are so colorful you immediately hate some, pity others and love a few. Its a train wreck... too interesting to pass up.

View all my reviews.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

my bad

sometimes i'm too kind for my own good. a few months ago i spent good money for fun and its killed me ever since. I set myself up on a budget to fix this mess. to fix my stupid mistake and have been living by minimal means ever since.

This payday was supposed to be my last payday of major backwards debt. i was set on auto pay for this wednesday night to post on thursday. i deposited my bill money on monday.

the bank decided to withhold my deposit.

they then decided to release my auto pays on monday instead of the day i scheduled.

everything bounced.

they paid for it with my pending deposit.

then charged me nsf fees up the ass.

and took my electricity money.

and my grocery money.

and still.. i owe them 28.16$ after the fact.

i can't stop crying.

I fucking did everything in my power to fix this. i worked so hard to get where i am. i just wanted to stop living like i was fucking going to end up in a refrigerator box.

tomorrow... i'll wake up with no power. no lights. no hot water. thank you my big budget bank that will probably go under and take all my money. oh wait.. you already took all my money.

thank you.

may karma take you down.

Captain Survivor

So yeah... with a lil financial juggling I think I might have saved myself from financial ruin. but i'm not sure. who knows. lol i might have hung myself with my own stockings.

god help me find a better job and get paid more. I can't keep living like this.

i'm a retard when it comes to cashola and I'd hate to keep spending like a fool so i need to

1. make more money
2. stop spending like a retard
3. save a freakin penny or two.

okay into the shower i go. i smell like feet and fritos. which is essentially the same smell



Monday, September 22, 2008


As homer says...

In a necessity to attempt anonymity... I've had to do the most horrifying thing I could do.

In an attempt to keep my nosy ass drama queen sisters out of my blogger life, I deleted my old account. It was hands down the most painful lonely thing i've ever done. I'll be labeling my sisters as 1-being the oldest and 3-being the youngest.

well 3 found the blog and as she's got the most drama than any of us... I had no choice because it was my place to vent about them and damnit if she wouldn't have spread that to the only family I have out here in the crotch hair of hell. yeah thats how I refer to my desert city. we'll call it Dirt City.

she lied to me alot about 5 months ago and put us through some hardcore shit so i have grown distant. but I've realized as time passed that i've lived in Dirt City, I've isolated myself. so not wanting to be completely alone, I accepted her as she is... lying caniving bitchy.

its been rough. 1's just had a lil baby and she's in her own world which is totally understandable. she's the better of the two. she brings me left overs from the damned good dinners she cooks. she brings me extra food from her parents overly loving them with dried and non perishables from costco. :) she also thrives on other peoples drama and misery. so its tough to deal with but i love her mucho.

so yeah. 3 found me out and i had to destroy the evidence to prevent war.

now my heart is broken and I have no choice to but to accept what's happened.

so i've started a new one. away from it all.

welcome to Unidentified Jane Doh!

I'll be posting art from me takin pictures and words from my writings... and my daily thoughts of moments at work and such. :) I'm on a dating site and its been a strange and lonely treck.

so as for today...

i totally played hookie, woke up not even wanting to crawl outta bed so me and Kitteh went right back to bed. not for long though. she's feisty. she's a biter so she went straight for my feet the moment i tossed and/or turned :p

I watched an entire day of bullshit tv consisting of an entire season of America's Next Top Model where Danielle won when i totally was rootin for Joanie. i changed from one set of pajamas *PAIIEEEEYYYAAMMAAASS* into another. i did no cleaning, i paid no bills, i tried to contact my half assed sisters.... no luck. so fuck it. I just hung out today me myself and i.

I do have to admit.. by the end of the day.. I was completely and utterly lonely. and that tells me that I need to make some friends and get out of this damned apartment. i also need to return the DVR and cancel the cable which i cannot afford and get my ass into a gym.

good times.

finally... Heroes was great tonight.. 2 freakin episodes one that made me hate 2 of my favorite characters (lies! i love Suresh and peters brother the hot one!) soo good. ;p i can't help but be a damned teeny bopper when it comes to this damned show.

okay ... so my heart's not into it tonight. i know this. its the utter loneliness i've been feeling lately. not like i need to get laid... just miss people who care. people who will just hang and laugh and be cool.

i dont know how to find those people anymore.
here's a shot i took today with my lil cam. its so amazing it looks like photoshop but damn if it isnt the real deal.

god's light