Friday, October 31, 2008
i feel like i owe them. like they took me in, taught me the ropes, give me free shitty health care, free glasses, and work me like a dog with shit pay.
i feel alone.
I love my sisters but i feel like every time they help me, i owe them. "well i did this for you!" comes out of their mouth and i don't know what to do.
I called the bff. we talked. ever since the birthday incident, i've felt completely and utterly alone. betrayed. and the depression's gotten worse.
i've finally realized today that i think i'm heavily depressed. i'm emotional. and a complete shut in. i'm dying to go home to my mom now just so I won't be alone anymore. its so strange to even think of that as just a while ago i wanted nothing to do with home. i dont know.
i just need help i guess. i can't afford it. but i need it.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
I stepped past the entrance gates and walked aimlessly behind my family until my vision focused. I stood mere feet away from the coral iridescent 48 ford convertible parked amongst other classic custom cars along the first leg of the state fair entrance. Heat radiated from it. My mind spun as the roaring of engines made my ears ring with the necessity to go fast. Real fast.
I stepped closer, my heart pounding as the owner smiled at me. He was easily in his seventies, lookin me up and down as if I were goin to scratch his paint. I closed my eyes. And the inner me poured out.
Suddenly I was me. the real me. I was still my same five feet, six inches tall, but everything about me was… confidence. I 140 pounds of pure raw sex in heels. I could feel the need in me, tugging at my lower abdomen like an orgasm. Every curve in my body vibrated with excitement. I popped the handle, opening the driver side door, and slid in, sideways like a lady. Like momma always taught me. Slowly, I pulled my luscious olive skinned legs in and turned to face the wheel.
I reached across the dash and pulled his sun glasses on. They wrapped around my eyes like a soft blindfold, showing me only what I needed to see. The road in front of me.
“Here ya go darlin.” He whispered as he bent into the driver’s side window, handing me the single eight ball keychain. The key glittered, silver, shiny, cold to the touch.
“You spoil me.” I licked my lips and shoved my palm into his face. He flew from the window and I slammed the key home.
RRRROOOOAAARRR!!! The engine flared to life.
I shuddered. The release rocked me for only a glimpse of a moment as I floored it.
Tires squealed and so did the old man’s wife. I plowed down the ramp from the show room, out the back dock door and through the gates. The wind seared my face as I flew down the freeway. I flipped on the vintage radio and turned that dial.
Irony is a fucking tease as I stopped on an AM station playing Down in Mexico blaring through my new speakers. I drove. I drove all the way to the Baja coast…
“Mija, want a funnel cake?” my family asked me as my eyes popped open and I stared longingly at the coral iridescent 48 ford convertible on display.
Monday, October 20, 2008
mom visited this weekend. i miss her already. we talk.. its good. i hate my family. and the gossip that comes with.
so i hide from them. that's gonna end when i move back to the land of sunshine and cell phones.
i'm so frustrated and tired and sick of it. oh well.
wow... my bloggings' gettin lazy. hahah
here's a random pic of a fast effin car. i took these babies while headin for breakfast saturday mornin. they were parked in front of a 5 n' diner. so very cliche. yet... i want them. or just one. doesn't matter which.. just one will do.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
did you see it???
proof that her run is in the toilet ladies and gents.
ya think she'd have waited until after nov. 4th. ya know?
its amazing how that works. she said she'd decided to not do the skit they'd rehearsed which was a rap ... which was hilarious!!!
strange though.. as i watched it... girl's got rythm. she's in her seat... dancin and groovin away...
but yeah... its over. thanks for the final death march sista.
here's the other skit. the non funny one.
Friday, October 17, 2008
"Hey Jane, all of these were on the floor by your station please look around @ night & tidy up!!!" in which she made the exclimation marks a smiley face which is my boss's trademark bullshit micromanagement way of saying "yay! you can't do your job"
mind you.. she used to have my assist. manager clean. then that stopped. now her husband does it.
you know why?? because they are cheap bastards who won't hire a cleaning company to come in.
yeah. i said.
you bunch of cheap bastards!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
so i bought The Rogue Hunter which is the newest installment of her vampire series which has no name really.. when she first started writing it... it came out sporadic and confusing. but each book was good in its own right with light airy humor and always the same base plot. i'm sure i'll get sick of it at some point like i did with LKH. regardless... this one starts kinda slow and i have to push myself. yet again.
writing's stifled again.
my Big Gay Al best friend from high school has finally come out of the closet... to his wife. who is furious. that she didn't already know what everyone else did. LOL when i graduated high school he was fast my best friend. he lived in a trailer with his two younger twin brothers which was on the same lot as the trailer his dysfunctionally nice mom and gramma lives (still to this day). its his fault i watch anime... and my fault he loves womens shoes. lol he showed up at my moms house a few nights ago and explained that he was gay.
"well duh." hahah i love my mom. she straight told him "its about time." hahaha!!! she's always known and always supported him. even when he didn't.
moments with big gay al:
- nairing his arms back and chest when he dressed up as a woman for holloween (we wear the same shoe size hah)
- watching La Blue Girl anime (totally hentai!!!) for the first time in his trailer
- the gang bought me my first vibrator at Fun Zone adult store then as i drove home with a packed car, he pressed it against the car window the entire way hahaha the ass.
- renting porn on friday night porn nights with the gang and laughing hysterically with popcorn and red vines. (my first porn ever perchased... The Devil and Miss Jones... yeah baby)
- him trying to figure out if he was gay, kissin me in the back of his oldsmobile.
- watching that crappy yet hilarious old marijuana is the devil movie from the 50's
FUUUUHHHHLLLIPPP!!! <~~ thats the subject. baby sister's shower went well. i got a candle. i won a game. i dont remember which. oohh maybe bingo. who knew. cuban family members brought food and i had it for lunch which was so damned good i wanted to cry. :p i had to share it. older sister's friend the divorcee (her ex was molested by his dad which was a huge figure in the colorado community who molested over 100 kids) was a sore loser and self loathing all day. made me feel no shame for laughing hysterically. little sister got the goods. its trippy. speakin of... the supposed father came into my work today. it was creepy and weird ... seein him. told him i was leavin town. surprisingly... he wished me the best and told me that he knew i was smart and would go far. keep in touch. it was soo weird. finally for the 3 people who read this... check out mob's sunday post with previews that i can't watch because my downgraded cable internet sucks.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
–noun, plural -sies.
a pretense of having a virtuous character, moral or religious beliefs or principles, etc., that one does not really possess.
a pretense of having some desirable or publicly approved attitude.
an act or instance of hypocrisy.
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.
American Heritage Dictionary - Cite This Source - Share This
n. pl. hy·poc·ri·sies
The practice of professing beliefs, feelings, or virtues that one does not hold or possess; falseness.
An act or instance of such falseness. [Middle English ipocrisie, from Old French, from Late Latin hypocrisis, play-acting, pretense, from Greek hupokrisis, from hupokrīnesthai, to play a part, pretend : hupo-, hypo- + krīnesthai, to explain, middle voice of krīnein, to decide, judge; see krei- in Indo-European roots.]
(Download Now or Buy the Book)The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth EditionCopyright © 2006 by Houghton Mifflin Company.Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.
So I have to work this weekend. the weekend my mother was to come into town. the weekend of little sister's baby shower. the crunch stress weekend of more family drama. and i have to work.
thanks to my boss for not giving a shit about my life and scheduling me to work the weekend i didn't have to. its the second monthly weekend i'm working because my boss was too busy dealing with her snaggletoe (snaggletoe: a toe that is misshapen, bent, distorted, or otherwise unporportioned to the foot and other toes) from wearing high heels for 20 years straight. so due to this fact, i got screwed.
its typical. i mean i expected it. this place is bias and doesn't give a shit about their employees so whatever right? lets just throw them under the bus. except the token black dude who's an excellent salesman/preacher/lecherous sick dirty old man who's loved by the good doctor. he never gets in trouble. good times.
so this morning i decided not to bother doing my hair too hardcore as i didn't want to burn it after yesterday's torture with product and heat. i threw it up in a clip... pinned the top into a pomp (pomp: short for pompadour which is a hair do popularized in the late 40's by greasers or other hoodlems of the time. now worn by men and women in the car culture world) and tie a pretty pink bandana around it which matched my camisole and shoes. shoes which are the cutest pink espidrille wedges with lil white embroidered stars on them! soo cute. anyway very rockabilly very cute.
I get to work.. survive a half hour before my assistant manager pulls me aside and tells me that i need to go home and do something with the hair. its unprofessional.
I snap. i'm sooo incredibly sick of this place and its bullshit. frenemy dresses like a cross between a drag queen, Peggy Bundy and a whore and gets away with it. the manager is a 40 year old who wears gogo dresses and lil triangle tops with hooker heels. the dr's say nothing. they allow it. i wear my hair in a pink PINK!!! bandana that matches my outfit and i get told to change it.
I call shinannagans!!!
i tell him so! everything! exactly how i feel! i tell him that the bias treatment of certain employees versus others is unfair and has brought down morale like a bomb. i make it clear that people leave because of the micromanagement of some and the free range roaming of others ... others who screw up the schedules, lie to the patients, and sell shit that is inferior to our standards yet get away with it!
if i were black.. they wouldnt' say shit about the rag. they'd be too afraid to. black people have no idea how much power they've amassed with the fear of being un PC toward them. lol man. if only...
he said that he'd not been able to say anything before. now the doctor has given him the right to say something and he'll be doing so. I'm just the first to hear it.
so he takes me home. i burn my hair with the blowdryer until its in place. my cat proceeds to bite my assistant manager in the living room while i do so. shes a good kitty. :D she knows her loyalties. he brings me back ... and i tell him i understand where he's comin from but its bogus and he knows it. he agrees. i tell him that its outta hand and unfair with the way they dress and i get called out for my hair thats that. he understands.
lifes funny that way ya know?
so saturday sucks balls like a two dollar hooker on a tuesday morning. i'm fed up and tired. what can you do?
Friday, October 10, 2008
so this morning in the process of getting a breakfast sammich.. the guy at coffee buzz(which is no longer a cool place to eat since its been sold) cracks the egg open in front o fme to make my sammich and boom... two yokes. yeah.
whats it mean?
well after some sneaky at work research...
norse mythology and santeria believes its sign of a death in the family.
wiccans and other much kinder cultures consider it good luck in love and fortune.
I'm rootin for the latter. ;p
work still sucks ass ... my frenemy was itchin to be invited to sister 3's baby shower (i can't remember which is sister one or sister three so they are now lil sister the drama queen and big sister the vindictive one) lil sisters baby shower is family and friends only. she just stood there. hahahaahaha
okay i'm goin to bed. i actually have to work tomorrow. life sucks like that.
not a plane crash
not a drug crash
the market crash.
we are officially at a 20% loss. am i scared? of course. every american is. has our disease spread across the globe? absolutely. BMW is planning to close 2 major plants in germany creating major job loss because they think they will not be able to sell enough cars here in the US.
President Bush is making his usual vague speech, explaining what we already know. making us face the facts we've been trying to ignore. the Credit Market is frozen. no more loans. no more credit. no more "sure you can borrow even though you have no way of paying it back."
"fellow citizens we can solve this crisis and we will."
he's going through the steps to fix the mistake that he ignored for so very long.
the rate cut is going to only put us in an even deeper hole. Do you really think people people will use it for a college education? lol they will buy their big cars, and big houses and bullshit they dont need.
we are stupid when it comes to money. i thought it was just me. now... i know its my entire country.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
she picked me up after work and we headed straight to Sally's beauty supply. A moment about sally's ... At one time i loved the place as they carried the best hair products which were once only for the pro's but sallys brought that to the common man/woman/gay wannabee hair dresser. you could get everything from manicure products to full body waxing kits. you could get piercing gear and hair dye and frosting caps and weave hair (yeah .. for hair weaves yo!) it was a great place to learn from professionals!!!
WAIT! moment of silence for my bag of Sour Punch Straws that my frenemy and her husband just finished off .. those sneaky bastards. :(
anyway it was once a place to rock the beauty tip with stuff that only the pro's could buy and stuff that was available to everyone. you felt cool shopping there... as if you were good enough to cut and color.
well.. today.. the 17 year old behind the counter had no idea what i was talking about when i explained the necessity for different developers to dye my sister's hair. she told us to just get the 10 which would have done nothing but set the color. no definition!!! she had pink hair and piercings everywhere so i immediately judged her thinking that she knew a thing or two about hair product when in fact she was a Toni & Guy aspiring fool who knew shit about hair. I asked her about half barrel hair straighteners and she had no idea what that was or where i could find one. i felt like crying. then .. the epitome of retardation...
"did Feria stop making Radiant Black? or do you guys just not keep it in stock?"
"whats radiant black?"
"um... its Feria's red based black"
"there's no such thing as red based black"
"are you serious?"
from here on out the rest is said in my head.
"Okay. you need to go back to school. Feria once made a red based black called Radiant Black. it started about 10 years ago and was once only offered to pros. then they released it to the public."
"there's no such thing as red based black." (she did however repeat this as if i'd said what i was thinking out loud.)
"you're an idiot."
i muttered the last of it barely audible by dogs, as we were wrung up and let go from that little craphouse. yeah i said craphouse.
we got taco bell (i'm now experiencing taco bell buyers remorse as my tummy has gone insane with pain eeewww you know whats next.) and headed to sister 3's house.. there... there they gave me my straightener back!! wooo!!
we then headed to their mom's, sister 1 and i. watched the debate (they are both retarded even though i lean more toward obama than mccain the scary war monger guy) then proceeded in dying her hair. i'm the queen of hair dying. i've gotten dye in places in bathrooms that you'd never expect. on doors, behind toilets, in crevices.... its amazing. thsi time.. i got it nowhere!!! hehe i'm good. i covered her head in dark brown because thats the color she chose... and it turned out black in the bottle. we freaked out. she let it set no more than 10 minutes before i was telling her to rinse it out!!!
she rinsed... and it turned out beautiful. i'm amazing i know it. lol
i suddenly realized that i really really don't like the frenemy becuase when we were friends and partying together, she was cheating on her husband in front of me. I've been anti cheating from day one when my mind comprehended the difference between single.. and not single. she brought that around me with no care as to how it made her look or how it makes those around them look... i just dont understand that. she cheated and not just cheated but flaunted. became a whore that fast. her kid at home with her man who she said was hurting her. but thats no excuse to cheat. you leave if they hurt you ya know? she cheated and then karma bit her in the ass. she got pregnant by her lover and all hell broke loose. i barely knew her hubby who's now my friend and its just horrible... working here... knowing exactly wht she did knowing whta happened and knowing that she used me as her little therapist to cry and whine and bitch and ... okay the cheating.
thats why. thats why hate is a word i rarely use but for her.. it just might be necessary.
i just had this epiphany and i have no idea where it came from ... but i now know that she dragged me into her drama and we weren't even that good of friends. and then after everything.. she punished me when her life fell apart .. only because i knew her secret.
i feel better.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
things have been extremely tight as life has gotten a lil more challenging. but you know me! I'm all about a challenge! so i've been surviving.
the idea fo moving home with mom is no longer abhorrant as it was a while ago. i've accepted my lot in life and know now what I've got to do to accomplish what needs to be accomplished to live my life the way I need to. there is contentment and happiness. true happiness is so difficult to attain but can you be content? can you feel at peace with yourself without getting everything you've ever dreamed?
I think i can. Life is a long list of compromises. what are you willing to fight for and what are you willing to let go? I have been without cable or internet for maybe 4 days now which accounts for my ass not posting like a good lil blogger should. meh. what can you do?
but i survive because I've got food and such.
I've been trying to write. not just on the fly but to force myself to sit down and create a plot line. I've got an amazing idea brewing in my head that I won't allow anyone to see until i've really got it plotted out and written. I'm taking no chances with this! I don't want to write another romance. i want to write fantasy!!! i want to take you beyond the story and let you feel every stitch. we'll see. :p its exciting. i just have to get past my own frustration and do whats gotta be done.
oh and my damned coworker the older lady came in while i was eating my sammich at lunch and immediately she starts talking about work shit. i sat there trying not to regergitate my salad while she bitched and complained about different kinds of lenses. :(
please god kill me. ;p
or give me a better job. or let me survive these last 6 months without murdering a coworker or family member. i need a drink.
saw 27 dresses... boring.
saw Over Her Dead Body... HORRIBLE!!! oh dear god!! horrible!! langoria shouldn't be allowed to speak during movies. just may lay around half naked. thats it. good god it was horrible.
saw a movie called I REALLY Hate My Job which was an indie film about 5 women goin through shit while workin at a high class rat infested lil bar and at some points it was tedious but others.. really really good. and all i can say is either neve campbell is an amazing actress who can very nicely play a neurotic self absorbed selfish 30 year old or she really is a neurotic self absorbed selfish 30 year old woman who can't act and was just hangin around a sound stage for fun. there ya go
"you are the scum between my toes..." lol
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
sister 1 has gone too far.
sister1: whats up
JaneDoh: nothin just playin a game
JaneDoh: what abu tyou
sister1: eating dinner
sister1: did you eat?
JaneDoh: i had a hot dog. with mustard even. lol its like i live off snacks now lol
JaneDoh: i keep this up and i'll be thin
sister1: well im glad your eating though, i would hate to find out that you where sitting at home with no food.
JaneDoh: no ma'am
JaneDoh: thank you again for that
sister1: your welcome. Its what family is for lets just work on getting shit done for you.
sister1: we still havent done the ahcccs papers. even though i have them... i havent heard you say..."Hey JEN lets get my paper work done" this is IMPORTANT yasamin!
sister1: Im only doing this to help you out, I dont have to be. And i know you know that and i know you appreciate it... but YAS you need to start steeping up
JaneDoh: excuse me but if you would have just asked you might have found out that i've been going through boxes for my ssn or birth cert. its not like i dont want your help jen. i really do. and i appreciate it. i'm not being mean or taking advantage.. i'm just tryin ot find my stuff.
sister1: You told me you found your BC and i never said anything with attitude so please dont start with you Excuse me.
sister1: im just saying yas.. relax NO ONE is attacking you
JaneDoh: i never said you had attitude. as a matter of fact all i've done is thank you. i said excuse me because its the polite thing to say when you want to clear something up. thats it.
JaneDoh: and no. i hvaent found it.
JaneDoh: i said i was looking for it.
JaneDoh: every box i've checked so far hasnt had it in there.
sister1: Im not trying to be rude yas, but are you REALLY looking for it? I mean the last time i was at your house....you havent even unpacked the boxes next to your kitchen table. I dont care if you are or not.. or whatever the case is.... it just always seems like a story when things need to get done. Kind of like me getting my 30 bucks for the phone. Im not trying to be a bitch yas so be rude. Im just frustrated with you. I know you have been thanking me and i just told you im glad i could help. But.....Just like the night you came to my house... we talked for 2 hours. and i thought i was getting somewhere with you.... so we could come up with a plan. Then trevor walks in and you said... "Yea i dont know if jen told you but im moving back to cali in april" it's like the
sister1: whole converstation we had that night went through one ear and out the other.
sister1: Its just frustrating yas. Im still here for you and am not mad at you and dont want you to think this is causing tenstion because its not.
sister1: i just want you to understand that its like im really putting effort into helping you out and nothing is being done.
sister1: But thats fine. Ill leave the papers with you next time we hang out.... then when you find your stuff you can fax it in from work.
sister1: No worries. dont get offensive and upset because im not. I just felt like i needed to tell you how i was feeling.
sister1: plus im pregnant and taking everything to seriously.
JaneDoh: I'm sorry you feel that way.
JaneDoh: I dont know what else to say to anything that you just told me.
sister1: you dont need to say anything. There is no argument-- i was just stating how i felt. dont feel sorry just really look for that stuff, it's going to help you. Which is what i want it to do... help you. I hate seeing people struggle, or be upset because of money problems. Or hearing you have no water.... it's not supposed to be that way. Thats why i want this to get done because it really is going to help you.
JaneDoh: can i say how i feel now?
JaneDoh: its not going ot be rude or insulting or hurtful
sister1: sure, you dont need to ask. im not your mom. im your little sister remember.
JaneDoh: i have been looking.
JaneDoh: and it sucks to me that you don't believe me.
JaneDoh: it kinda hurts.
JaneDoh: but i understand why.
JaneDoh: and thats fine.
JaneDoh: I have done alot of thinking and I knew the answer deep down inside. and I tried to convey that when we talked that night but apparently i didnt.
JaneDoh: I think the best option for me is to move home with my mom. I want your help and accept your help and appreciate it with all my heart
JaneDoh: but i'm not just trying to get back to the level i was at.
JaneDoh: i am going to fix my life.
JaneDoh: and that no longer includes living on my own not going ot school working a job that doesn't pay me enough to live.
JaneDoh: I am also still learning to control the spending habit.
JaneDoh: I get paid friday. I will be getting a payday loan to help with rent and bills.
JaneDoh: with that money I will be paying you for the 30 ffor the phone
JaneDoh: and i apologize that i had not been able to pay you back for that.
JaneDoh: i'm sorry i didn't have the money.
JaneDoh: but i will.
JaneDoh: i'm in a bind i put myself into and i appreciate the family stepping up to help me. it makes me feel less alone.
JaneDoh: but i dont see my future here.
JaneDoh: i've been suffering by my own damned hands too long jen.
JaneDoh: its time to do things the right way.
JaneDoh: and i can't do that by scrounging to survive.
JaneDoh: I also feel really uncomfortable about lying to the government on those forms