Friday, March 13, 2009

hah @ old dreams

i just found this while cleaning out an email acct. its an email i sent myself when i suddenly remember the previous night's dream. its strange... i'll give ya that. but i think it also shows i had an underlying crush on someone at the time. LOL

I dreamt I was in the 1950's. or some sort of odd mixture of the 50's and present. I sharing a room with my mom who was sleeping in an old victorian house. we lived in a smaller town. i had friends who dressed in gingham shirts tied at the waist and rolled up jeans to the calves and and little scooter vans shoes. we wore our hair in ponytails tied back with ribbons. it was so odd how i could see this yet... i was in this room. my mom slept and suddenly this group of greasers came pounding in. they laughed and acted like a gang of guys coming back from a party or car show. a rumble as such. it was strange. i recognized some... others were nameless faces that haunted my dream. as if i should know them but i don't. it was very unnerving. I recognized Jake and Joshua. the others... drew a blank. It was strange. in real life, Joshua is the calm one. Jake is the real rebel. but in the dream... Jake was the sane one and Joshua was the brooding rebel who watched me with almost angry eyes. we argued. Jake got into my face telling me that i had no right to demand anything as i've ignored the love in my face.

i demanded they leave the room and let my mother sleep.

i stopped... shocked. I told him that if i'd known he had feelings for me... i'd have done something about it.

he smirked at me and said "who said it was me?" everyone stops.. dead silence falls over the room and they all look over to Joshua. he's covered in tattoos and looks angry as he stops and glares at me. I say nothing in utter shock. my heart pounds. i've always loved him.

suddenly the scene changes. i'm running down a dirt road with a group of girls who are my friends. friends being girls who i don't really recognize but are apparently my friends in this dream. We are running for our lives. running from something greusome hunting us down the street of this beat up town.

we turn a corner and duck into a barn.. and there they are. the greasers. they silence us and take us through a maze of corrals and dens. Joshua grabs me, throws me up agains the wooden planks fo the wall. he kisses me hard enough that i squeal. i wake up.

Monday, March 9, 2009

i'm not dead. but i am missing some parts...

soooo... its been a bit. thats mainly because this baby's become my gripe-o-matic blog. i come here to bitch and complain and really say what i cannot as the people who read the other blog know too much as it is.

so i had my tonsils removed 2/27/09 by a great doctor who cracks jokes and seems like that token asian guy who was born here and doesn't know whether to ge asian or white. its kinda odd. but cute at the same time.

regardless the dude knows what he's doin.

he warns me. "Jane, you're going to be in extreme pain like there's no tomorrow and you need to understand that you can't go through this alone."

I laugh.

i'm gettin my tonsils removed! its not childbirth. jeez.

so i say...

my lovely sisters nip at each other's heals as they try to figure out how this is going to go down.

mind you surgery is no joke. NO SURGERY IS EVER A JOKE. you never know what can happen with anesthesia. its dangerous and there is no such thing as easy surgery. my mummy has worked for kaiser hospital since i was like 4 years old so imagine all those summers roaming the halls between the morgue and the cafeteria (seriously that close) that i know what happens in surgery. i've seen enough of them myself.

and i've seen when things go wrong. so i'm realistic. which isn't good when you need to be almost retardedly optomistic in this situation.

they pushed me into getting this surgery so they wont have to take me to urgent care anymore... and then my sister realizes that she's not asked her hubby to take the day off. her grandmother is sick and possibly dying in cali so she's decided that same weekend she's goin to cali to see her. i understand. death is horrible.

but this was planned. and i'm scared shitless goin in.

and they were gonna drop me off. and then pick me up later. i wanted to kill them. i called my older sister and told her how i felt, scared to death about what if something happens during surgery and no one is there?

she doesn't know what to say.

i ask her what if she were in my shoes?

she tells me well of course her husband will be by her side.

i tell her then this is one of those moments where i wish i didn't leave my evil ex.

she's silent. she doesn't know what to say. i tell her that its unfair. i get to go in knowing no one will be there.

she apologized.
i hung up and cried.

my younger sister takes me to the hospital and sits with me.

i get called up for check in and the nurse says i'm very lucky to have my sister to be there.

"well heheheh" she chuckles to make it seem like no biggie. "i'm actually goin to be leaving. can i leave you my number?"

the nurse looks at her in horror.

i hang my head in shame.

my sister looks like an ass to the staff. the nurses are talking about her leaving me alone for surgery and they are shaking their heads. she's getting pissed. i just smile at her and thank her for the ride. i hope she drowns in her guilt.

i give them my mother's number and my older sister's number. so they have everyone they can possibly contact and they take me away.

the strangest thing is they wheel me into the OR and literally ask me to scoot myself onto the OR table. yeah. tell me thats not creepy. the anesthesiologist is a fat middle aged white guy who kinda looks like a fatter version of phillip seymour hoffman with a happy smile who sticks a mask to my face and starts talking to me. i can't for the life of me what he asked. he could have asked me what color underwear i had on or when was the last time i got poked by a man and i wouldn't remember. which scares me.

i slowly wake up. i don't open my eyes or move. but i hear the nurses.

"i've called the younger sister twice. left messages. no answer."
"well i called mom and mom just passed blythe. she's worried sick."
"i'll call the older sister."

i fall back to sleep. i wake up moments later

"i spoke to younger sister. she says she'll be there when she'll be here. i feel so sorry for her. i mean... i would hate to have family like that." i open my eyes. the nurses suddenly start talking to me.

"hi honey, how are you feeling? need some ice chips? no water just yet hon. i know your thursty. your moms just outside of blythe. your sister... well she'll be here soon."

i eat ice chips and immediately pass out. next thing i know, i wake up and younger sister is sitting by the end of my bed. Dr is briefing her. she's only half way paying attention. i can tell.

i pray to god he has everything written down.

the next week is a blur of percocet my mother taking good care of me and pain. sudden hateful pain.

i hate it.

but there ya have it.

i'm tired. just thinking about what i went through makes me tired.

i can't wait to move.

cali here i come 4/1/09 ... yeah baby.

Monday, January 26, 2009

friendship is fun!

sometimes i feel like i have no friends.

scratch that. i have my best friend but she doesn't live close which makes it hard for us to hang out and spend quality time.

wow.. the depression set in while posting and now all i want to do is go to sleep.


Sunday, January 25, 2009

Death and Damned Good Pizza

Its been a rough past couple of weeks with the bullshit drama that follows my family around like an arrant flock? pack? hive? of flies around a dying animal. I've been fighting the whole of my families ability to tear each other to shreds, begging for an inner peace treaty for years, only to come to the most recent conclusion that it will never happen.

with this conclusion I've realized that I want to only survive for now. Sure prospering would rock my socks and give my soul an orgasm, but its not priority right now.

My sister's grandmother, lovingly known as Abuela, is in the hospital. After the california trip family feud, it all went down as such;

my lil sister flew to california with her new baby and abuela. They arrive in time for abuela to start feeling back pain and strange (well ... stranger than usual) leg and body swelling. Everyone chocks it up to abuela being abuela.. which is usually "Aye mija, mi estomago hurts". Sadly this isn't the case.

Lets take a moment and explain what this woman has survived:
  1. coming to america via last legal refugee barge from cuba in 1969 (approx)
  2. giving life to one asshole of a son, one bipolar borderline schizophrenic daughter, one vain and gay baby son.
  3. lives in same house in California for some odd 40 years.
  4. husband of 25 years older dies at 94, leaving her alone.
  5. survives breast cancer with a double mastectomy (yeah that's both baby)
  6. survives kidney cancer
  7. survives liver failure
  8. survives the loss of usage of her legs
  9. survives a few abusive live in nurses
  10. survives with parkinsons disease
so as you can see.. she's a survivor to say the least the problem is the woman has no need to survive. she's denied dialysis. she's actually denied anything that keeps her alive through any more painful diseases.

well sadly, she is in the hospital now with back spasms, and a single kidney working at a wonderful 30%. damnit.

So I decided to spend the day with my lil sister as she's been sent back to arizona with the decree "if she dies, we'll call ya."

yeah. that's our family!

we spent the day watching comedies.. eating pizza and forgetting the pain that faces us in the near future.

I know you understand that I've gotten no writing done, as I watch this family sit and pray for the life of a woman who wants to die, but whom god refuses to take.

so with this, i'm goin to bed.

sweet dreams...

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

peace... LOL yeah right.

lil sister is off to cali and i haven't heard a word from her. i'm sure she'll call cryin in a few days when she realizes she's in cali alone to take care of her baby as well as her grandmother.

on a totally different note.. last week she took me hiking in the middle of the night. now i'm not a work out kinda girl. i'm barely a nature girl. i like nature... from an admirer's standpoint.

but we took flashlights and water and met her new man of the week on the mountain. he wasn't very talkative to me. this was her way of not bailing on me again as she'd done in the recent past to hang out with him. i accepted it. we took the trail that went UP!! and not around. i almost made it to the top but decided that i didn't want to die so we turned around.

we got back down the mountain without decapitating anyone or being mutilated by mutants ala The Hills Have Eyes (yeah.. thats what it looked like we were hiking through..).

we reached the paved path back to the cars and started jogging and this is where it all went wrong.

i have no idea what the hell happened... but i either tripped, my leg gave out, or i simply fell off the rounded edge of the asphault .. and went down. HARD. i ruined my sexy fat girl knee and it bled like a freakin gaping gunshot wound.

so she took me to her 40 year old personal trainer/roommates house only to find that he had no first aid kit. how the fuck does that happen right?

so we went back to her place and taped me up.

the dry wound hurt almost as much as the freakin fall itself so my boss (the freakin loon that she is...) suggested these Johnson & Johnson Advanced Healing First Aid pads that were self stick ... their purpose was to replace the body's scab and minimize scarring while healing the wound.

well.. it says wear for days on end, wash wound and change pads.

today i went to change the pad. my wound smells like bacon.

i'm not fucking with you.

really. bacon. honey smoked bacon.


so i went ahead and left off with the replacing of the pads and am now extremely worried at the fact that my knee is freakin Pink. PINK!!! from healing without a freakin scab.


i'm off to watch a movie as my sister gave me that netflix account and yesterday.. i returned the blockbuster movies and cancelled the account crazy huh...

may my knee not get gangrene...

Monday, January 19, 2009

here it comes...


its the shit dreams are destroyed with, millions are entertained with and a select few who can't seem to live without.

and then there's me. related to those last select few.. and who just want to escape it for once.

my lil sister and my older sister were supposed to go to california with their grandmother to do the depressingly sad deed of helping her pack up her old house that she can no longer live in alone. :(

according to LIL BIG bailed on her. she freaked out. she then asked me to drive with her and the baby. I agreed barring I can take the time off from work. i put in for it.

Apparently also according to LIL .. BIG invited BIG's crazy dramaball (she's a big fucking ball of drama) friend Krack (her new name) to go with but bailed on her too even though Krack took the day off from her work. So Krack talks to LIL and offers to go with us. i'm like aw crap. because she's just creepy to me. i see right threw the nutball.

you ready for this? because my screenplay for a soap opera... oh wait i mean my life!!! keeps gettin funner.

according to LIL (are you starting to see a pattern?) BIG got hugely jealous and told her "Krack's My Friend!! and if anyone's gonna drive with her it'll be me!!" yeah.. crazy right?

so LIL comes to me... venting her brains out. and i let her because i know she's gotta get it off her chest. i mean this is some really detailed conversations she's tellin me!! and she's crying and so angry at BIG that i tell her "look.. we cant like everything about each other. like I never see BIG or her kids anymore. don't you think i miss them? they never call me back." she talks more and i mention "hey remember this is between you and me. so say nothin to no one, please."

guess what...

the next day.. LIL tells BIG what i said and embellishes that shit hardcore. suddenly i'm talking shit. wait what!?!?

so i get a call... "Hey.. wanna go get some coffee with me?" BIG says... "yeah sure." i know someting's up.. but what i can't be sure.

i sit in her car and she tells me what LIL said. i am shocked and saddened that my trust was betrayed so hardcore by my lil sister. but i tell BIG... "this is what i really said and this was it." and tell her. I explain that is how i feel. that i miss them.. terribly. LIL made her feel so worried that something was wrong between us. that we had an issue. not that i was talkin shit... but that i was angry with her which was completely untrue. so we talked.

the good thing about my relationship with BIG is we are adults and can sit and talk, hash shit out and squash it. which means we deal with our problems the right way.

then we had a talk about LIL and compared bullshit fabrications that she's been telling versus the truth that really went down. it was ugly. BIG never bailed because she never said she'd go. she's got kids and she can't just up and leave like that. it was all a psychotic game to LIL to stretch the lie as far as she can.. compulsively.

then it got worse.

apparently after LIL told BIG about what i said... supposedly... she made a booboo. she forgot to lock her phone.

that phone accidentally called BIG's phone and caught her voicemail. and recorded everything that LIL said.

and sadly... it was some ugly shit. she ripped both BIG and me. she used me as a way to embellish this lie about standing up to BIG for me and saying i said soo much that i never did. it was a mess. and she had no idea the voicemail was recording it all..

its everyone's worst nightmare.. a private angry vindictive conversation.. recorded for all those you talked about to hear. wow.

i think my lil sister needs professional help. because i'm over trying to help her.

I'm soo gonna start a FIGHT LIKE A GIRL CLUB

as of late.. we all act like nothin went wrong. and i've decided i'm not going anywhere near california on a trip with LIL. this is how i have to weather theses shitstorms.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


mom's been with me this whole week, staying with me, taking care of me, cleaning my house, nagging the hell outta me. its one of those things where i love her to death but i kinda want to duct tape her mouth shut.

we went to marie callenders and she complained about the booth. she complained about the location. she complained.

i'm ready to scream. i'm supposed to move back in with her in order to start over and damnit what am i to do? i mean god.

but i do love her. i've been bitchy and grumpy and sick and in pain.. and she's taken care of me. i know that my feelings of wanting to scream at her is partly my own mind messin with me simply because she's my mom.

i dont know what to do.

i hate my job with a passion. my bosses don't give a shit about me in any way shape or form. and yet the market is so bad that losing my job scares me terribly. i don't know what to do. i'll be leaving to live with mom in less than 5 months. :( time to start pinchin the pennies.

so yeah.. thats really that. i hope you're doin well.